It isn’t often that a person gets to truly reflect on a mindset long gone, as every moment is as fleeting as the last and mistakes are often better forgotten. I for one, like to keep my mistakes written down so as to never repeat myself. What better way to move forward than to look backwards while doing so? Enjoy. ~ Succession of free-will
“Conceal me what I am, and be my aid For such disguise as haply shall become The form of my intent.”-Viola, Twelfth Night Act 1 Scene 2
It seems to me that these days people never truly realize the concequences of the actions that they take, pacified by some mentally ingrained belief that they are above concequences. Parents build four walls with no door, and children never learn to break them down. The Information Age Is giving birth to a Generation of Ignorant, brainwashed automatons who are so wrapped up in the “reality” of other peoples lives, that they become numb to their own. How can anyone look in mirrors anymore? How can anyone stomache the mud they are covered in, stemmed from the dirt of stupidity and watered with their own feculence?
If ever a generation needed a dictator bent on mass genocide, it would be this one. Human achievement is non-existent, and people have relegated themselves into mindless sheep who think they have control over their own existence. Each day goes by, and I wonder to myself:
How do people live with themselves?
I have problems doing it myself, knowing that I ignore the stupidity and baseness of people in my day-to-day life, committing a “sin” that makes me feel me less of a man. Everywhere I go people are wrapped in these tangled webs of shit, stuck in such static, meaningless lives with no ambition or purpose –without even the sense to come in out of the rain. How can these people really be called people? More like animals, waiting the inevitable end of their own simplistic meager lives.
If you believe in a soul, then question things.
If you believe in free-will, then use it.
….Just do something.
You were faceless once, a victim of your bland nature.
Faceless, the world did pass you by.
Finding solace in a frail existence, you were a person.
Then you were struck, as if by a bolt of divine purpose
Becoming the tool of others passions, but never loved.
Bending to their passion, you bathed in mud and filth and sick.
No more a person, that frail existence did fade, replaced by
fleeting moments of sweat, tears and degredation.
Was being bland really so bad?
To degrade yourself, debase and dirty yourself?
You had a light then, now forever darkened.
You had pride then, now forever gone.
You had a future then, now only a present.
Was it worth it?
The moments of blissful ignorance?
Becoming an object of earthly wiles?
You were pure once, now dirty.
Your were beautiful once, now ugly.
You were noble once, now trash.
You were true once, now false.
Be an object, satisfy your insecurity.
Dirty yourself, never clean.
Find yourself in fleeting lust, false love.
For one day, like any object
You will be discarded.
Remember the Glory Days?
What’s to Remember? the Fleeting lies and guilty pleasures?
What about the Innocent times, and truthful smiles?
Washed away by tears, and pacified with your fears.
Was it so bad?
Some yes, some no.
Is that really bad?
The bad times outweigh the good, they made me who I am.
Then you are bad?
More than you’ll ever know.
“I’ve got a crush on a pretty pistol
should I tell her that I feel this way?
Father told us to be faithful
I’ve got a crush on a pretty pistol
should I tell her that I feel this way
I’ve got love songs in my head
that are killing us away”-Marilyn Manson
Ok, so this time we step away from the Hostility of my last Blog, and the first non-Sin related Blog of mine.
This Blog is dedicated to someone that has been very important to me over the last several years of my life, for reasons that go beyond the conventional.
Rose, I call you such because to love you is to love a certain amount of pain. I’ve learned to be a masochist because of you, and left my former self behind. When I met you, I was a reserved, shy, pathetic kid–with only hate in his heart, and lacking the care for himself to even come in out of the Rain. I was too shy to even really talk to you, and let you slip away…Too far away for me to reach.
This led me to believe that you were beyond my reach, and caused me to lash out in anger at everything around me…Because I didn’t realize till after how I truly felt about you. And once I did, and you did…You went far away. You told me to wait, and I couldn’t…
…Until we are together again, I will continue to want what I’ve never had. My Rose, I will love you always.
I’m in one of my moods today…Shit, why do I always say “Today” when it relates to things that never really stop or go away….? By Andrew Dice Clay’s reasoning: I’m a poet and didn’t know it.
Anyway…The dam has finally broke, which is why I’m posting here–I’m sick of this shit. I’m sick of everything in general, but I’ll give you a list just to clarify.
1. I’m sick of waking up every morning and regretting it.
2. I’m sick of having to scrounge up food that always tastes like shit.
3. I’m sick of people giving me lectures and “advice” when they’re only doing it to make themselves feel better about the Glorious Sticker they’ve placed over the shit-pile that is their lives.
4. I’m sick of monogamy. FUCK IT.
5. I’m sick of telling people I’ll do things when I have no intention of ever doing them.
6. I’m sick of people that claim to be my friends and yet meet none of the qualifications or requirements that go along with being such (some are exempt from this classification, but most aren’t.)
7. I’m sick of people that smile in my face and then shovel shit on me when my back is turned (you know who you are).
8. I’m sick of people who talk condescendingly to me when they themselves couldn’t figure their way out of a burning building with all of the doors and windows wide open. FUCK YOU.
9. I’m tired of people who think that their superior to anyone…FOR ANY REASON! Jesus people, get a fucking life and live it! I’m sick of you people that claim that you live by “pack ways” or by “the way things should be” as if you were born with Enlightenment. Sticking feathers up your ass doesn’t make you a chicken, and growing out your facial hair doesnt make you a wolf!!! GROW THE FUCK UP.
10. I’m sick of people who automatically assume that I give two-shits about their lives when they have done NOTHING to contribute or brighten my life in any way or fashion. If I don’t have a scar for you–Then you can eat shit and die.
11. I’m tired of pretending to have morals, or otherwise any concience. Anything new to me is fuckable–within reason–and anything I don’t have I want. Fuck inhibitions–They are evil in the eyes of a false society and mean less than nothing to me. If your female, and I know you, I’ve more than likely thought about how you would look with your panties on the floor and your ankles tied to bedposts.
12. I’m tired of people who live their lives by what they’ve read or–What they think they know. I’ve had people walk up to me a spit bullshit that was cardinal to them–Like it was fact! Just because you believe it doesn’t make it true!
13. I’m tired of people telling me that So-and-So talks shit about me behind my back. Those people don’t know me, and never will. The simple fact that they talk shit about me behind my back goes to show how much they fear me, because they know that this Intelligent Gutter Punk Psychopath will show them what the definition of pain is–In fact, I’ll write it down so they remember. Fuck off.
14. I’m tired of old people that think “they know” just because their older than everyone else. Did someone older than them do the same shit? Is that why they feel the need? Your older…Congratu-fucking-lations, your years ahead of me in the Maggot race. I hope that your years of experience is some consolation while I’m laughing as they bury you.
15. I’m tired of these chains that bind me. They’re new, and they tear the flesh from my wrists and ankles.
16. I’m tired of making stupid decisions and then regretting them. I promised myself when I was younger that I would NEVER REGRET. Fucking bullshit…
17. I’m sick of having to tip-toe around everything I say, because of the “concequences”. I fear no physical reprecussions, and to a lesser extent any social or mental. However, a wise man once said that we dig our own graves–and he was right. If I could tell people what I really wanted to say–when I thought it–I suspect that my old title of “Anti-Social Asshole” would make a return, to the unth degree.
18. I’m sick of smiling in peoples faces, and pretending that I don’t have problems with them. I am a ball of hate that gets passed around. If I know you, I’ve probably hated you…and might still.
19. I’m sick of sex with the same person. Monogamous Sex is like Masturbation with sand-paper: It’s fun the first time, but after that It all goes down-hill…
20. I’m sick of my age. I feel like a Fifty year old stuck in a Twenty year old body–only minus the joy.
To end this little blog of Hate, I will give you a quote which happens to be a favorite of mine:
“Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who’ve ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.”
There are things In your life that define you, whether you want them to or not. Can you really begin to understand the wheels that turn the events of your life? Can you understand the actions that you take In a situation after you’ve already made them? Everyone plays such heavy emphasis on Free Will, on our ability to choose–Everyone says this as If it was a good thing. Fools, you should know by now that Ignorance is bliss.
Pride Is the Defining Sin of my life, so what better to start my blog with but an Example of my Defining Sin–and the concequences of Loyalty?
Place yourself In my shoes, If you will.
I was Nine-teen at the time, a few months after moving out of my Parents house and into my Shitty, Overpriced Two Bedroom Apartment with One of my close Friends and my Girlfriend. The first couple of months had been interesting–to say the least. We had little furniture, less food, and entirely too much of the so called Luxuries–Cigarettes, Alcys–and the such. All of our Friends would come over Daily, neither me nor my friend having jobs at the time, and we would party. Not the overbearing Music, drugs and sex type of Parties–Just all of us crunched into a small area, smoking, drinking alcys socially, burning our minds away to music. This was Paradise to me for a time, but like all good things–eventually had to come to an End.
After Several months everything had quieted down, the only problem being that neither myself, my friend or girlfriend had jobs. My parents stepped in to help with Rent until we got jobs, but the search wasn’t going well. I attribute this to my Friend not really wanting a job, and me being in a Lazy funk as well. My Girlfriend had a reason, she was in School Full-Time, with no time to work. So, everyday we would do the same thing: Wake up, Eat, Watch DVD’s or Play Games, play cards, Eat, Hang out with Friends, and then go to sleep again. We did this for a long time, existing in preverbial limbo, slaves to our own complacency. What we didn’t know was that things were about to Change–Drastically.
At one of my Local Haunts I ran into an Old Friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, who was back from living in another state. He was living with his Parents and working at a local store, which is when he told me that he was needing a place to stay. I’ve had problems with this person before, He’s a Chronic Liar with Delusions of Grandeur, not to mention an Idiotic Selfish bastard. But, me being the Bleeding Heart that I am at times, and always Loyal–I let him move in. That was a big mistake, one that would lead into a spiral of many more that would change the course of my life.
After this other Friend moved in, all seemed well. He cleaned, he had a job, and we had our first source of income. It wasn’t till much later that I found out that this Friend was actually jobless, and was bringing home Stolen Food that he claimed to have bought–Instead of paying Rent. Apparently him and other people he knew would break into Restaraunts a little out of town while they were closed–His Friends being people that worked there and knew the In’s-and-Out’s of the Place and it’s Security. He would come home with a TON of Food, Once a Week–in bags with logo’s from a local store–and none of us thought anything of it. Life, it seemed, had gotten a bit better. We were all surrounded by friends, eating good, our Rent was payed (still by my parents), and we were Indulging ourselves at our own liesure.
This Is when we had more people start hanging around, random people that I knew little about–Friends of Friends of Friends and such. These people apparently got my other Roommate into Addictive Substances, and had him helping with It’s Trade, which again I hadn’t realized till much later. Now, he had an income–Claiming he was working at night ofcourse–and things got a bit better, while myself and my Girlfriend remained Ignorant. Then, this same Friend asked if one of his Friends–One of the ones I didn’t know–Could move in, Temporarily, until he moved out of state in a month. I didn’t know the guy that well, but I trusted my Friend and thought nothing of it. He slept on the couch. He helped Clean, payed for his own food, It was dealable.
After a few weeks of this, At the start of the weekend–All of us were on Edge, Stir Crazy from hell. We all wandered the City for several hours, but noone was having Parties, noone wanted to hang out, there weren’t any concerts or the like, and we were all in a bad way.
Someone–I’m not really sure who at the moment–Decided they wanted to do something–And unfortunately I went along with it, unwillingly. However, once this was done, there were Dire Reprecussions. Now, Because of these idiots, I have been put into a situation I can no longer control. I’m now In a Gilded Cage–one of my mind–and am a permanent resident. I was full of Pride, thought I was invincible with my friends, and Loyal to a fault.
Take this Lesson from Me–Fuck Friends.
The Lesson of the Snake Is to not Trust–Not even one of your own. You’ll end up getting Skinned.
Pride Is MY Sin, but not my only practiced. There will be more lessons, and soon. My mind Is Full, and needs Release.